Hillary, player hater

A hilariously graphic sex scene hidden in "Grand Theft Auto" has got Hillary Clinton all hot and bothered. That's no way to win the youth vote.
July 22, 2005 There's no denying Carl "CJ" Johnson is a bad dude. He's violent, he's vulgar, and he's got a nasty habit of stealing cars. He lives in the ghetto, gangbangers are after him, corrupt cops want to frame him. When he needs money, he mugs pedestrians. CJ once tried to steal a container ship. Just for fun, he murders his friends in broad daylight.
Considering how bad CJ is -- how unrepentantly, irredeemably, fantastically evil -- it's no surprise that he's caught the attention of some of the nation's top lawmakers. Hillary Clinton, in particular, has been after CJ for some time. She calls him "pornographic."
The ESRB says it decided to re-rate "Grand Theft Auto" because the game's distributor, Take-Two Games, didn't fully disclose the sexual content in the game. Specifically, a few weeks ago a group of "modders" -- folks who modify commercial video games with their own graphics and level designs -- discovered a way to unlock a "mini-game" in "Grand Theft Auto" in which CJ wines and dines a woman named Denise and is invited to her house for "coffee." When the game pans to Denise's room, though, we see no mugs of java. Instead, she's naked, and after a bit of oral sex, CJ is allowed to proceed all the way.

As the gaming Web site Gamespot notes, CJ -- that is, you -- must satisfy Denise by pumping your joystick: "To win, players must maintain a steady rhythm with the left analog stick to build up an 'excitement meter' on the right of the screen. Fill the meter and Denise becomes very excited, telling CJ he is 'the man' before the game congratulates you with the words 'Nice guys finish last!' Let the meter drop to empty and the game admonishes you with 'Failure to satisfy a woman is a CRIME!'"

No genitalia are visible in the sex scene, and though some of the audio is racy -- CJ intimates that Denise is so good with her body that she ought to think about becoming a "professional" -- none of what's here would redden the cheeks of anyone with access to Showtime. Clinton calls the scene "pornographic," but insofar as pornography has a purpose -- to titillate, and more -- the stuff in "Grand Theft Auto" falls far, far short. Even if you've got the libido of a 15-year-old male, you're not going to find much erotic profit in "Grand Theft Auto." And if you know enough to search online for the "mod" you'll need to unlock the scene in the first place, you are more than capable of finding torrid stuff online. Here's a good starting place: Google "cigar oval office intern" and see what you find.

What is Hillary Clinton thinking? Probably her attack on violent and vulgar video games is of a piece with her larger political strategy, that recent, conspicuous shift to the center. She wants to signal to the nation that even though she's a Democrat she's not indecent, she still cares about kids and the trouble parents have in raising them right. I'm not saying it won't work; Lord knows the "moral values" thing's popular these days. Still, she ought to see that this is a dangerous business.